Whole NEW Baby

Jackson is doing sooooo much better on this new formula!  We started seeing improvements after 3 days and every day he seems to be doing better!  No more hours of screaming!  He is generally pretty content unless he gets bored or he is getting tired.  He takes naps ya'll!  When the boy smiles, he smiles all over himself!  Morning and bath time seem to be his favorite times.  That is not surprising since his daddy is such a morning person.  Today we were able to travel to Alexandria and visit with my parents.  This was such a treat because David had not gotten to see him and he just got out of the hospital yesterday.  He is on dialysis now, and seems to be doing pretty well all things considered.  Jackson did great on the trip there and back. He got a little fussy at the end of the drive coming and going, but I got in the back seat with him and we played all the way home.  It is was great to be out of the house.  One thing that has been hard has been being cooped up in our house.  Our only outings have been to see to Jack's parents.  I'll be so excited when I can take the little booger to the grocery store or even church! Not til RSV season is over and Dr. King says it is ok though.

This is our new happy boy!

I want to take a few minutes to post about my progress with PPA/PPD.  Work was a huge step towards my getting better, but I can't underestimate the help of medication, prayers, good friends, and a supportive husband!  I am doing loads better!  I have even been able to start weaning off at least one of my medications.  I should be off of one of the sleep meds sometime this week.  When I look back at where I was a month ago....well, it was rough.  I am so thankful that God is leading me out of that dark place!

I was REALLY nervous about today.  I even tried to convince Jack that we should ignore the doctor's orders and NOT take Jackson in for the Upper GI x-ray.  The purpose of the test was to rule out a blockage in his intestines.  Well, take a look at my boy.....he ain't mission a calorie!  If he had a blockage, I doubted that he would be gaining weight as he has.  However, Jack found out that the test would also be able to look at his reflux issues and determine if he did in fact have reflux issues.  So we went for the test.  The hospital told us not to feed Jackson 3 hours before the test.  When I talked to the lady in scheduling about our time of arrival, 7:30 a.m. I quickly asked..."So will ya'll be ready to rock and roll at 7:30 a.m. because my baby eats every morning at 7:30 a.m.  If ya'll aren't ready, he will be squalling!"  The lady kindly replied, "Well, maybe you could give him a pacifier."  I almost laughed and hung up the phone.  She had no idea what she was dealing with!  Jackson can go from the most calm and sedate baby to a little red faced ball of anger in 1 second.  The idea of starving my precious little one and listening to him scream for the morning, was not an appealing idea to me.

Jackson did awesome!  He didn't even get fussy until around 8:00 a.m. so he was good and hungry when they brought in the bottle of barium that he had to drink for the x-ray.  He didn't like the bottle that the hospital used, but I had brought extras.  Once he had his familiar bottle, he took it down like a champ.  The doctor and x-ray tech took several pictures of Jackson.  Kind of like before, during, and after pictures of his tummy and digestive tract.  He told us that everything looked great!  All of his anatomy is as it should be.  This was no real surprise to me, but I am thankful for the reassurance.  He also didn't see any refluxing.  He was quick to say that it didn't mean that Jackson didn't have reflux, just that he didn't see any on the x-ray. I have never really thought that reflux was the issue.  Not in the way that most babies have reflux.  It isn't like he is spitting up a whole bunch.  All babies spit up some.  However, our doctors have explained that the reflux meds can be helpful if he is producing a lot of acid in his tummy.

As soon as we got in the car Jackson fell right to sleep.  When I got him to Sandee's he was still sleeping in his car seat.  That was about 11:00 a.m.  At 2:00 p.m. Sandee texted me.....the boy was still asleep!  He took a 3 and 1/2 hour nap!   OMGoodness!  At 5:00 p.m. when I went to pick him up, Sandee reported that he had no tummy issues for the day!  We even got to swing by Grammy's house (who is home from the hospital) to show him off!  He sat on my lap happily for 30 minutes!  It was nice to take him somewhere and have a little bit of confidence that he wouldn't scream his head off!  Grammy had not seen him since the hospital.  As Grammy and I visited, she asked me lots of questions.  That's what Grammy does, and I love her for it!  Grammy is Jack's grandmother, and she had 6 BOYS!  Can you imagine?  Grammy asked me how I was doing, and I replied, "Well, I think I'm getting better Grammy, but I don't think we will be doing this again!  I don't know how you did this 6 times!"  To which Grammy replied, "Well you don't really know that you are doing it at the time!"  LOL  I'm not sure that she meant that the way it sounded!

So tonight we are completely off our schedule tonight!  We are going ROGUE!  We've skipped one of our day bottles, and I have no idea when the boy will want to eat.  I should be FREAKING out right now.  I have no idea what to expect tonight, but I am surprisingly calm. I'm sure he will let us know when he is hungry!  

As far as the new formula goes....I must admit I had ZERO confidence in Dr. Hussein's opinion much less his "treatment plan" for Jackson.  I have to say that we have seen improvements.  For the first time in 3 months....I am hopeful.  We'll just take it day by day!  :)

Cutie Pie

 Jackson's favorite time of day seems to be his bath and then what I like to call towel time.  This is when we wrap him up in his hooded towel, and he talks to us and smiles a whole bunch!   

Jack and I have processed and prayed....we are going to start the new formula, rice cereal, and meds tomorrow morning.  Please pray for us!  

The TRUTH

So today we took Jackson to Shreveport to see a Pediatric Gastro Dr.  He was a champ of course!  Slept the whole way there and the whole way back!  The boy loves to ride!  Once we got into the doctor's office he was calm for a bit, and then he broke loose with the crying and tummy troubles.  I have to say that I was glad because I wanted the Dr. to see what we were dealing with.  However, it made it difficult to understand what the doctor was saying.  I was very disappointed.....I expected the visit to be like Dr. King. It wasn't.  A medical assistant asked me a bunch of questions and took a bunch of notes on Jackson.  The Dr. came in, and announced that Jackson had a allergy to cow's milk and then made a list of recommendations and prescriptions for medications and new formula.  I barely had time to think of questions let alone ask them, and then he was out the door.  I was devastated.  He hadn't even examined my crying little boy.  No tests had been done.  How did he know that this was a milk allergy?  What were these medications being prescribed?  Were their risks in his taking them?  How would we get this new even more expensive formula for Jackson?  Now the questions come like a flood.....and a flood of tears quickly follows.  I turned to Polly, my mother-in-law, who was with me for the appointment, and say..."Do you think he is coming back?"  "Surely he is coming back." she answers.  He didn't come back.  The medical assistant returns and begins giving me instructions on feeding my baby with the new formula, rice cereal, and medications.  She also informs me that the doctor has ordered an x-ray of Jackson's Upper GI Tract to determine if there is a blockage.  This won't happen for several days, but Jackson will have to drink some kind of liquid and then be x-rayed at the hospital in Monroe.

I lost it.  I sobbed uncontrollably. Polly had to drive us home.  Jack has been in Pheonix for a work trip all this week.  He was on an airplane and there was no way for me to talk to him.  My biggest unspoken fears...What if there is nothing at all wrong with Jackson?  What if I am just not good at being his mommy, and now we've done all these meds and tests for no reason. What if these medications would have long lasting side effects for Jackson?  What if he would get worse?  I immediately went to our regular doctor's office who was kind enough to meet with me.  We discussed our options and the truth about our situation.

THE TRUTH
1.  Jackson is thriving.  He is gaining weight!
2.  Jackson has periods of alertness and happiness where he interacts, smiles, and is achieving normal developmental milestones.
3.  Yes, he does cry inconsolably, loudly, and to the point where he loses his voice at times. AND he has done this for husband, my mother-in-law, my mom, and me....so it isn't just me.
4.  Jackson is a great night time sleeper!
5.  Only God really knows what is going on with Jackson, and ultimately healing will come from Him.  God loves Jackson even more than Jack and I do....so that's a lot.  He is going to provide all that we need to care for him.


Jack and I have a hard decision to make.  We can continue on the nutramigen and as long as he is gaining weight, this would not be the wrong thing to do.  His digestive system will continue to mature regardless of what we do.  It may take weeks, it could take a year for him to grow out of this.  OR we could try this new formula and the medications and do the GI test.  At the end of two weeks if he has not improved, we could easily go back to the nutramigen and be no worse for the wear.  Our regular Dr. assured us that the medications and new formula while costly, is safe for Jackson.

Seeing my husband was better than taking a tranquilizer....something about that man just eases my heart instantly!  We have decided to continue with the nutramigen for tonight and tomorrow.  We're going to think about it, pray about it, and come up with a decision.  We are asking for that peace from God that goes beyond all human understanding so that we can do the best for Jackson.  I am learning that there is no right or wrong in parenting...there is only doing the best you can.

This is a really tough season of life, not just for Jack and I, but for our families as a whole....Jack's beloved grandmother, grammy, is in the hospital again.  Grammy is an amazing woman!  We love her so much!  My step-father is also really struggling with his health.  He has diabetes and his condition has been deteriorating slowly over the last six years.  His doctors told my parents that he would need to go on dialysis sometime in the future.  This could mean a few months, or possibly one or two years.  They felt it would be a good idea to go ahead and put the shunt in his arm for the dialysis so that he would be prepared.  Last week, they attempted to do the surgery, but because of a cut on his arm, they had to cancel it.  There was too great a risk for infection.  This week, the doctor told my parents that if he didn't go on dialysis in the next few days, he wouldn't be with us in a month.  They have scheduled surgery to put the shunt in his neck so that he can begin dialysis as soon as possible.  I've had my step-father in my life since I was 14 years old.  He walked me down the aisle on my wedding day.  He co-signed the loan for the first car I ever bought post-college.  David has helped to fill a void in my life.  I often refer to him as my father.  I may not have those little girl, father/daughter, memories with him, but I have always felt loved by David.  Most of all I knew how much he loved and adored my mother.  That has meant the world to me.  To see my parents go through these struggles is so hard, and on the other end for my mom to see me go through these struggles with Jackson, is hard for her.  We both want to be there for each other, but we are carrying such heavy loads.   We are having to care for each other from afar, and that is unbelievably difficult.

Once again, I have to remind myself of the truth.  God is in control.  God is good.  God is mighty and powerful.  I will never stop praising God.  A good friend, and wise woman said to me just this morning....."There is a gift in all of this that you are going through Addie.  It just has lots of layers of wrapping paper.  Once you get through all those layers, you will find the gift."  That's the TRUTH.....God really does love me, and I really do love God.

Hi Ho...Hi Ho...It's Off to Work I Go.....

My first day back to work was on Wednesday.  The night before I laid out my clothes like I used to do when I was in grade school, packed Jackson's bag, made my lunch....there was so much to do!  I made sure my car keys were on the table.  I even laid out my breakfast bar for in the morning.  I was ORGANIZED!  Jack volunteered for the middle of the night feeding so that I would be super rested for my first day back.  He really loves doing that feeding because Jackson is sooo sweet during that feeding!  He is all wrapped up in his green swaddle blanket.  He looks like that stuffed animal they used to make, the glow worm.  He takes his bottle and goes right back to sleep without missing a beat.  So it is a fun feeding!  :)  Jackson is a great sleeper at night!  He goes down after his 6:00 p.m. bottle, bath, and bedtime routine pretty easily.  We are still sleeping in the swing of course.  I had the funniest dream last night that I was sleeping in a giant plush baby swing just like Jackson's.  Anyway, he has been sleeping from 7:30 p.m. til 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning; he takes another bottle and is back to sleep until his 7:30 a.m. bottle.  This works out SUPER for me because I can wake up at 6:00 a.m. and get myself ready for work, and all I have to do is take a still sleeping baby, get him  in his car seat, and drive him to Sandee's house!  She takes care of the 7:30 a.m. feeding, changing, and dressing!  We are THRILLED by this of course!  However, being human beings who are by their very nature NEVER content with where we are in life....we would prefer that Jackson's sleep be a little bit more evenly divided.  We would like to see that long stretch of sleep on the other side of midnight.  This would make it possible for Jack and I to actually see one another every day.  As it is, Jack has been going to bed at 8:00 p.m. so that he can get up and do that middle of the night bottle.  I'm taking sleep medication that makes it really difficult for me to do the middle of the night feedings because I am just not as steady on my feet.  Plus it is hard for me to go back to sleep after the feeding is over.  They don't make sleep medication that is designed to allow you to wake up and go back to sleep in the night.  The point is you are supposed to sleep the whole night right?  Well, anyway, for a while Jackson was taking a 9:30 p.m. bottle and this 3:30/4:30 a.m. bottle.  I would stay up and do the 9:30 p.m. bottle.  So basically we had a trade going.  Then I tried to wake Jackson at 9:30 for his bottle and he wasn't the least bit interested in taking it.  Yay!  We dropped another bottle!  Booo! It was the wrong bottle!  LOL  Well, it would just be more convenient if he would drop that 3:30/4:30 a.m. bottle as opposed to the 9:30 p.m. bottle!  So tonight we are trying something different!  I am going to try to wake him and feed him at 11:30 p.m. We figure that dividing the distance in sleep time may work better.  An 11:30 bottle, means 6 to 7 hours of sleep generally each night.  We are basically flirting with disaster here......I know.

Anyway, back to my first day at work.  I woke up and everything went as planned!  I got Jackson to Sandee's house in plenty of time to boo hoo the whole way there!  After kissing him goodbye, I literally ran out the door, and then cried all the way to school.  The good thing was that I recognized these tears were "love tears" and not depression tears.  It felt strange to be away from Jackson, and I thought of him throughout the day.  "I wonder what he is doing now?"  "I wonder if he is screaming his head off like he was doing yesterday at this time?"  "I hope he is taking all of his bottle!"  Sandee was so sweet!  Both Jack and I called her to check on him.  I had no idea that Jack would call too, and I was struck by how sweet and loving of a father Jack has become.  She texted us a happy picture of our sweet boy playing on his baby gym mat, and told us to call anytime.  As the day wore on, I found myself being able to concentrate on other tasks.  Junior High kids don't let you be idle for long!  Once the word was out that Ms. Addie was back on campus, I had several visitors throughout the day!  Many of the kids did a double take when they saw me. I mean let's face it....the last time they saw me I was HUGEMUNGUS!  I even heard one girl whisper to her friend, "Dang Ms. Addie got her figger back fast!"  I will admit that did make me feel good, even though I lost all that weight by losing my appetite for several weeks due to PPD and I still have some weight to lose!  LOL  I eased into my first day back at work, and it went really well.  I was nervous to pick Jackson up.  A million thoughts raced through my mind....would he be crying, would he be screaming, would he be the great night sleeper he had become after spending the day at Sandee's?  (Jackson's colic has been from 12:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m.)  I arrived at her home, and she greeted me with a smiling, happy boy.  He was a little fussy as I put him into his car seat, but he fell right to sleep as we rode home in the car.  The weather has been unseasonably warm lately, so I took advantage of the opportunity!  I snapped Jackson's car seat into the stroller, changed into my walking clothes, and took off around the neighborhood before he could wake up.  We walked for about an hour and half.  He cried a little here, napped a little there, looked around a little too.  We came home and repeated our night time routine, and everything went great!  At the end of the day, I thought....."wow, I am a better mom today!"  The truth is that I have been a better mom every day since!  I am more confident in my decision making because I don't have the time during the day to run endless google searches about all things baby related.  I can handle some crying without crumbling.

Each day back at work got a little easier and felt a little more normal.  By today, I was hopping.  Registering new students, adjusting schedules for next semester, looking at grades, helping junior high girls work through conflicts, reassuring parents of new students, and helping a few kids process some home life issues.  By the end of the day I had a to do list ready for Monday.

At the end of today, I actually thought...uh oh...I've gotta take care of Jackson for two whole days!  I don't mean that in a "I don't want to take care of my baby kind of way."  I am still struggling with anxiety and confidence when it comes to motherhood, and I am still working through the PPD/PPA.  So I guess I mean that statement in a sort of "will I do a good job with him if I have him all day long? Will I fall apart again?"  I put a lot of pressure on myself.  We've had a great night, and he is sleeping now. We're going to try our little 11:30 p.m. bottle experiment tonight.  Jack went to bed early just in case it doesn't work out, and I will just do the best I can tomorrow.

OH HAPPY DAY!

So first off.....I had a great day with Jackson!  He was a dream baby at the cardiologist's office! I swear I just want to drive over there during his normal colic periods and sit in the waiting room because I am sure that there is some sort of gas they have in the air vents that makes babies coo and cooperate!  He smiled and flirted with all the nurses, made it through another EKG like a champ, and spent the afternoon enjoying all the attention!  The best part....the VSD hole is definitely getting smaller!  Not closed.... but smaller, and he is gaining weight!  11 pounds and 9 ounces!  Soooo.....we don't have to go back until he is 6 months old!  Our instructions are to keep feeding the boy, keep him away from crowds and kids as much as possible until we get through the cold and flu season, and come back in May!!!!!  I couldn't have been happier!  The only tears I cried all day were tears of joy when they listened to his heart, and told me it was definitely getting smaller!

Sandee came with us, and it was such a blessing to have her along.  Since she will be caring for Jackson she wanted to be sure she knew everything that she needed to know about his heart condition.  We love her so much!  She even watched him for an hour so I could run to Wal-mart and pick up a few things.  When I returned Jackson and I went for a little drive, grabbed a Sonic drink, and then returned home.  We played on our matt, made smiles in our bouncy chair, and then.............well yeah, he did cry, but instead of letting it get me down, I made the most of our time by holding him closely on his side to put a little warm pressure on his tummy and rocking him in the nursery.  He would fall asleep for a few minutes nuzzling down close to me, and then when his tummy would hurt he would cry out.  We did this for over an hour, but I didn't feel like I would lose my mind.  After his 6 p.m. bottle, we had our bath, put on our clean diaper and jambes, rocked for a few more minutes, then swaddled, pacifier and into the swing for the night.  I'll feed him again at 9:30 p.m. but I am thankful he goes down quickly after this bottle.  I was able to pack his bag for tomorrow, lay out my work clothes, eat some dinner, and do this blog post.  I have a few dishes to wash and some clothes to fold, but right now life seems doable.  That is a HUGE improvement from where I was just yesterday.  I don't think that the coming days are going to all be easy.  I am sure that I will continue to fight through the anxiety and depression, but today was a good day.  I can say that without hesitation or doubt in my mind.

I continue to be thankful for all of the prayers and the support I get by writing this blog.  It is really helpful to know that so many women have been through similar things or felt similar ways.  It is always good to know that people are thinking about our family and praying for us.

Wonder if God will give us another full of night of sleep?????  The best thing about God is that we can ask for anything!  ;) We'll praise Him whether we get it or not!

Love to everyone!

the last day..........

So this is it.....my last day to be at home with Jackson before I return to work.  Unfortunately, we are spending our last day by heading to the pediatric cardiologist. I was supposed to go back to work today, but we had this appointment, and it was in the middle of the day.  It is exhausting to go for these appointments, so I asked for permission to make my "start back to work day" tomorrow. On a more positive note, this could be the appointment that they tell us the hole in his heart has closed, or gotten smaller, or some other GREAT news!  I am trying hard to savor each moment of the day, even the ones where he cries  Already it has been a big day!  Jackson graced us with his first sleep through the night!  He had a bottle at 9:30 p.m. and woke this morning a little after 5:00 a.m.  We started stretching him to a 3.5 hour feeding schedule two days ago in hopes that he would sleep longer at night, and it looks like it worked.....at least once anyway!  I worried endlessly about whether we were doing the right thing by stretching that feeding schedule, so his sleeping made me feel so much better about it!  His first bottle of the day isn't until 7:30 a.m., so I gave him a little snack bottle of 2 oz. fearing that he wouldn't take his 7:30 a.m. bottle and then we'd be off the schedule......I know that at least two of my friends are out there screaming at the computer screen because of that last statement! (Love you Stacy and Mandy) I am happy to report that Jackson did take his whole bottle at 7:30 a.m. :)  After a diaper change and some play time, he went down very easily for his morning nap.....only to wake after about 30 minutes.  I entered the room, gave the paci, used my voice to soothe him, and left....more crying...repeat process...BINGO...he fell asleep again, and is napping now.  So we are having a good morning.  Afternoons and evenings are our colic/upset tummy time....usually from around 12:00 to 6:00 p.m.  It is a rough stretch of the day with lots of inconsolable crying.  It is hard to see my little guy in so much pain.  I am really praying that this won't be the case.  We started a second reflux medication, and he is getting older every day.  Any day his digestive system could mature, and he could drop the colic....so I'm just praying each day that today is the day!  We also have an appointment with a pediatric gastro specialist. I know that they don't have a cure for colic, but Jack and I feel like we have to do EVERYTHING we can to make him feel better.  What if it isn't colic, and we didn't do anything?  After all, it isn't like he can just tell us exactly what's wrong!  So seeing the specialist at least makes us feel confident that we have done everything we can do.  If he says it is colic, then we just pray it ends SOON!
In the mean time, he is a cute little booger!  His cheeks are getting so big, and his feet have outgrown his pajamas!  We are already in 3 to 6 month clothes!!!!!  I have clothes he never got to wear!  :(  Everyone told me that would happen, but I didn't believe them!

 I know things are about to change drastically when I return to work.  In my last post, I shared that I was struggling with Post Partum Anxiety.  That Anxiety has also extended itself to some depression.  I have had some really hard days.  Yesterday was a really hard day.  I know that tomorrow morning is going to bring tears when I drop Jackson at the Nanny's house, but I also believe that going back to work is going to be good for me.  I am angry with my PPD/PPA because I feel like it has robbed me of some of the joys of being with Jackson these first few weeks.  As much as I am going to miss Jackson, I need some separation from the intense worry that I experience when I am caring for him.  I know I won't completely stop worrying about him while I am at work.....but I think this is going to make me a better mommy when I do care for him.  I am writing this because while I think staying at home to raise children is one of the HARDEST, MOST RESPECTABLE jobs there could possibly be; I think there are some women, like me, who just do better by having some separation.  I just worry too much.  Every little decision becomes the biggest decision I've ever had to make and I can't stop obsessing......and then I'm just exhausted by everything. Honestly, I am looking forward to spending at least part of my day making decisions and having the confidence of my old self.  I can do Junior High....Newborn is a whole other universe!


 I know I have it good....God has blessed us by giving us someone to take care of Jackson so that he doesn't have to be in a daycare.  Not that daycare is bad, and Jackson will eventually end up there, but everyone knows that sickness is easily spread in daycare and with Jackson's heart condition, staying healthy is SUPER DUPER IMPORTANT!  So we are VERY grateful to have such a loving, nurturing, capable, and Godly woman to take care of Jackson while I'm at work!  I am sure that my feelings about being separated from Jackson will probably waiver.  Sometimes I will be glad for the separation, and sometimes it will be really hard, but I don't feel guilty for being excited about going back to work.

While I feel like this is an ending of sorts....obviously it isn't!  I am Jackson's mother, and I love more than I ever thought possible!  As I struggle through parenthood and the PPA/PPD, I am going to stand in the truth that God has me and Jack and Jackson completely covered!