One day at a time.....

Well, Jackson has made it to the 7 week mark!  We are almost at 2 months old!  He has grown into the next size of diapers, almost outgrown his swaddling blankets, smiled at us, peed on us, made all kinds of cute baby noises, and rolled over once.  Although I think it was by accident, Jack and I were so excited!  I am in my last couple of weeks with him now, and I know I am going to miss him terribly when I return to work!  I think I am just going to tell Sandee (the wonderful, amazing, woman who is going to keep him while I am at work) not to tell me when he does things for the first time....that way when he does them for me at home, I can just believe that it was the first time, and who really cares!  :)  

My discovery of over-stimulated baby continues to be working for us.  He still cries, but it is not nearly like it was.  I think he still has some reflux or colic or whatever you want to call it, so we are continuing with the nutramigen and prevacid.  We are using the swing pretty much 24/7 now to keep him sleeping!  I have learned not to rush into the room at every whimper because it only lasts for a few moments now, and then he is back to sleep.

I can't post on here without telling the truth about another part of our journey into parenthood.  Post-partum anxiety.  About two weeks ago, I felt frustrated by my lack of ability to fall asleep when Jackson was sleeping.  I felt frustrated, overwhelmed, tired....all the things that are totally normal for a new mom to feel, but I felt like I was drowning.  My mind raced all the time.  I worried about things like the house burning down when Jack wanted to build a fire in the fireplace.  I talked to my OBGYN about medications........I was prescribed, prozac, xanax, and a sleeping pill to fix me up.  It was awful!  The prozac had terrible side effects that seemed to only worsen everything.  I felt jittery, lost my appetite completely, and then just felt plain sick to my stomach.  I had taken it for only 3 days, and I felt horrible!  So the doc took me off....the side effects continued for another 3 days!  So after this hurdle....the worst came.....terrible insomnia!  I laid in bed hour after hour as the house was quiet.  Jack and Jackson were both asleep, why couldn't I fall to sleep?  I tossed, turned, kicked the sheets off, pulled the covers back on, prayed to God, begged God for sleep!  It wouldn't come.  I got up and shuffled around the house in the wee hours, tears naturally falling from my tired eyes.  I showered at 4 in the morning, I cleaned, I did whatever I could to keep busy.  I was convinced....I wasn't depressed!  I was very interested in my baby!  I was very interested in taking showers (when I could take one), I wasn't crying all the time.  I made jokes with my husband.  After the prozac was over my appetite came back.  My mind continued racing.  I made frantic google searches for all things about the baby and about insomnia.  My body radiated with ANXIETY!  Nothing calmed me.  Reading and watching television were just time passers.  I never paid attention to any of it.  After more than 24 hours awake, I made an appointment with my regular doctor and family friend.  Together we decided that what I needed was to be treated for insomnia and anxiety.  He prescribed a non-habit forming anti-anxiety medication and some sleep meds.  With a newborn, I really do have to sleep, whether that is medication induced or not.  The sleep meds help put me to sleep, but allow me to get up and take care of Jackson in the middle of the night.  I have been on the anti-anxiety meds for almost 3 days now, and I can see a difference.  Doc says that I will continue to improve the longer I am on the meds.  My thoughts don't race as much, and while I am still a worried mom, I am not worrying over things like our fire place.  I don't feel as shaky.  My hope is that as my anxiety continues to be treated, I'll be able to sleep on my own soon.

One of the good things that has come from this is how God has enlarged my heart and compassion.  I'm a therapist.  I see people that struggle with anxiety pretty regularly usually due to trauma.  I never had a clue what it was like until now.  I mean I've been stressed out and worried about things before, but never to a point where my life felt unmanageable.  I know that this experience will increase my capacity to help others that are struggling with anxiety, regardless of the cause.  I continue to be humbled and grateful for friends and family members who have stepped up to help!  It is such a strange thing to have one of the greatest times in your life be one of the hardest times in your life.  There is no doubt that Jackson is the most precious gift the Lord has ever given me, but it has been a really difficult time too.

We are grateful for your prayers!  Please continue to pray for Jackson's health.  We will be heading back to the pediatric cardiologist at the first of January.  Please pray for me...that my anxiety would continue to improve and that I will be sleeping on my own soon.  Please pray for Jack!  He is such an amazing husband!  Seriously incredible in the way that he provides for our families needs....spiritually, emotionally, and physically!  He has strong shoulders to rest it all on, but even he is human!

Love to everyone!

trying something new.....

So I thought yesterday was a pretty good day.  I mean don't get me wrong, the boy never took a nap and screamed his head off, but I made it through it and was actually pretty sane by the time Jack got home.  To cut the crying I put him in his car seat and drove all over town for about an hour.  As soon as we pulled into the drive way, he started up again!  It was rough, but we made it.  Polly came over and took the night shift so that I could take a sleeping pill.  That has been my biggest struggle as of late....sleep!  I just can't seem to get my body to adjust to his schedule.  Everyone tells me, "sleep when he sleeps", and believe me I would love to do that, but when I lay down......sleep just doesn't come.  Otherwise, I feel pretty good.  My appetite is back.  Food actually tastes good again. I am going to try melatonin tonight.  I feel like Jackson's cry is like the starter pistol of a race.  When I hear it, my body is up and moving in a flash.  It is just so hard for me to wind back down enough to fall asleep after that.  I just need to fall asleep, and I think after a little bit I'll get the rhythm down.

So this morning, I woke up before anyone else did.  I took a shower and started the day with clean teeth and hair!  :)  I had a few minutes before Jackson woke up (he actually has been a fairly consistent sleeper at night).  I was doing my million and one baby google search and I came across this mom's comment.  She said that at six weeks she realized her baby was being over stimulated and was tired and that this was the culprit for all the crying.  She suggested putting the baby down for a nap at the first sign of tiredness.  Hmmmm......ok why not....I held no hope that this would work....at all......So it is 8:00 a.m.  I wake him up to change his diaper and give him the bottle.  Feeding went fine.  Afterwards he is wide awake, but happy. So I lay him on the activity mat and we play and talk for about 40 minutes.  Then I see it....the yawn.  I swaddled him, and plopped the pacifier in his mouth and put him immediately in the swing and turned off the light.  He was awake for about 15 to 20 minutes....no crying....just awake....I tended to some laundry and other things around the house, came back......sleeping baby!  SLEEPING BABY FOR 1.5 HOURS!  I had to wake him up for the next feeding!  I repeated the whole thing.....SLEEPING BABY FOR ANOTHER 1.5 HOURS!  Now we are to the 3:00 p.m. feeding.....and I'm thinking this is a fluke....no way he will do it again.  After his 3 p.m. bottle, he blew it out in the diaper, so I changed him.  Repeated the same pattern.  While on the activity mat he started to get a little fussy.  I swaddled and put him in the swing.  He cried...kind of that wimpy whiny cry.  I thought to myself...here we go...I decided to head outside and sit on the swing with Penny (our dog) for a few minutes so that I could resist the urge to go in there and pick him up.  When I got back to the door, I was prepared for that scream....that ear splitting, red faced, how can such  a little baby make noises like that and for so long....kind of scream.  I turned the door knob.....not a peep!  I peeked into the living room.  He is asleep AGAIN!  So I predict one of three things happening here....1) he has matured a little, and I've figured out a little something about his patterns, and we will continue like this for the most part and life will be heavenly bliss   2) he will go right back to his old ways and I should just thank the Lord for one day of peace  or  3)  he has been sleeping all day long to make our lives a living hell tonight and we should probably pay the grandparents to come over and take care of him!    I'll let ya know how it goes!  We have an appointment with the pediatric gastro specialist but it isn't until Jan. 19th......with continued days like this we won't need that appointment.  So please pray!

Our biggest news is that our insurance has approved Jackson for his shots!  That is truly the best Christmas gift we could have possibly received!  The shots reduce his chances of getting RSV and other diseases that could land him in the hospital by 40 to 60%!  The home health nurse comes tomorrow morning to give him his first one.  We originally thought that the shots would cost $1500 a pop....after talking to the pharmacy, I learned that the medication is over $2000 and that doesn't even cover the cost of the home health agency coming out to give him the shot!!!!!!  Thank you Lord for good insurance!  We still have to be careful about illness, so lots of hand washing, screening people who hold him for illness, and the little guy won't be cruising the aisles with me at Wal-mart any time soon.  But him getting the shots will give us a little more peace of mind and a little more freedom to live our lives.


So.....Merry Christmas!  Love you all!

a few moments to post.........

I haven't posted in a while....so here goes....I'm going to go out on a huge limb here and say that Jackson is improving a little.  I think we are starting to see more good feedings than bad feedings.  He is still very unpredictable.  There doesn't seem to be a certain time of day when he is more prone to inconsolable crying and tummy issues.  I never know if he will sleep for 20 minutes or 3 hours.  I'm struggling to deal with that, and for those of you who know how much I like to schedule and plan and be in CONTROL.....you know how truly difficult that is for me.  Mostly it is hard to hold my precious little one when his tummy is hurting him and he is crying in pain and there is just absolutely nothing Jack or I can do about it.  We really have tried everything! He is on medication for reflux, and we are just hopeful that as he gains weight and grows his little body will mature and he will grow out of this.  Everyone keeps telling us that the magic number is somewhere between 3 and 5 months.....let's hope it is 3 months and pray that it is even SOONER!

We won't see Dr. King again until January 3rd.  Until then our job is to keep Jackson growing and healthy!  So we still can't really take him out anywhere which suits me fine since it is so cold out.  He can't be around crowds or kids.  I'm pretty frustrated with our insurance company.  They have really dragged things out on his shots that are to prevent RSV and other diseases that could send him into heart failure.  The last we heard they had denied the approval for the shots, but our doctor will be calling them on Monday to appeal this.  He feels confident that they will eventually approve the shots, but the more they fuss about it, the longer it takes.  RSV season is from November to March.....it isn't hard to figure out that if insurance drags it out...that is just one less shot they have to pay for.  Each shot costs $1500 and he needs one every month of RSV season.  So they have already gotten out of the November one!  It is infuriating!

Now for some happy updates.....

The little guy absolutely LOVES the bathtub!  It is my favorite time with him.  I also really do love to rock him to sleep.  I've learned that if I put him more on his side in my arms and hold him close he falls to sleep pretty quickly.  I don't care if it forms a bad habit....it is precious time spent!  Jack has learned a few tricks to calm him down too.  He likes to hold him up on his shoulder where he will sometimes fall to sleep.  Nothing pleases Jack more than if Jackson will fall asleep on his shoulder and then he can move him to his chest and lie on the couch.  He holds his head up really well, and he has started to smile in response to our smiles!  He got to spend a bunch of time with his Nana and Pops this week as they have been helping us out so much!  I honestly don't know what we would do without our friends and family that have pitched in to help.  Tomorrow he is going to spend the whole day with his Mi-mi!  She is coming to town for the day to watch him and give Jack and I an entire day to rest and just be together.  We will miss the little guy, but it will be good to spend some time with the hubs.

In it for the long haul..........

I hate that all of my posts about Jackson seem to be about Dr.'s visits and problems.....but that is just kind of the way it is right now.  I'll try to keep this short.  The visit with Dr. King today was fine.  Jackson is gaining weight and that is the most important thing for now.  I did have to face something that I hadn't wanted to hear before.  I thought that we would continue to see Dr. King for these visits until the VSD in Jackson's heart closed and then poof we would be done with all of this scary heart stuff.  That isn't the case.     I thought they would listen to his heart, the murmur would be gone, and we would be pronounced healthy and free to go on about our way.  Unfortunately, there is a thing called a Silent VSD, where the hole can not be heard.  So he will have to be monitored regardless of whether they hear something or not.  There are two additional holes in Jackson's heart that they are actually normal for babies to have.  We are all born with them, but typically they close in the first year of life.  Because Jackson has the VSD, they will need to monitor these normal holes for closure as well.  This means they will need to do another ultra sound at some point.  I don't know that I have all of that straight.  Jackson was crying through part of the appointment when Dr. King was explaining.  I'm exhausted.  We are still trying to figure out the best formula and now he is being treated for reflux and colic.  In fact he has just started to cry now.....so I have to end this.  I'll try to post something later that is more positive.....one sweet moment of the day....he fell asleep on my shoulder and while I should have probably taken a nap....I just let him sleep there.  It was precious!

Baby Bliss

So I thought I would add another blog post so that everyone out there in cyber space would not be worried about me and thinking that I was drowning in postpartum depression!  My last post was a little "real." I don't know any other way to be!  This blog is only a snapshot into our lives, and from my perspective, in a fleeting moment.   I wish I could tell you that things have just smoothed right out since that post....LOL!  We started to hit a little groove at the end of last week.  My good friend, Jenny Crume, stayed with me for three nights, and helped me to solve the great diaper mystery!  My little guy needed to move up a size in diapers!  This was a major break through because I was having to change his diaper, clothes, and swaddling blanket every 2 hours prior to figuring that out!  We changed the little guy's formula to something that was to be gentler on his tummy and at first the switch showed promise.  We lost the umbilical chord, which made daddy very happy!  He was really freaked out by that thing!  We still haven't found it though!  One diaper change it was there.....the next it was gone.  Kind of freaky!

So now we have a beautiful, sweet, baby boy to enjoy!  Saturday was fun!  The two of us took turns with him throughout the day, and it was starting to feel like we had the hang of this baby thing.  Having Jack  and Jackson at home all day, all to myself was heaven!

Sunday we fell apart.....the unexplained screaming began.  We ran our check list...hungry?  No  (he just ate), Diaper Change?  Nope   Too Cold?  Too Hot?  nope, nope.....  In the last 24 hours Jack and I have done it all.....We went outside, we walked, we bounced, we swung, we swayed, we sang, we held him on towels on the dryer, and then we did monk style humming!  Our good friend Tram Jones who is about to have his own little bundle of joy, told us that his sister read in a book that babies would settle down if you hummed in their ear.  So Jack began this monk style humming.  Then I would join in until we were both laughing at ourselves because it was just so ridiculous. We'd regain our composure and start again in perfect monk unison.  But the real question is.....did it work?  Who the hell knows!  He calmed down a little and did go off to sleep that time.  He hasn't responded so well to it since then!  The good part about it was that Jack and I had a great laugh!

I've been home with Jackson all day.  I am pleased to say that I have kept it together!  Even through the constant screaming, and currently the little guy is enjoying a nap.  He's been asleep for the last hour and a half.  Probably because he wore his poor little self out.  He is sooooooo cute!  I know that this stage will change just as quickly as it came upon us.  We'll figure this out, just like we've figured everything else out!

We hope to give him his first tub bath this evening!  :)  More pictures will be up soon!

Motherhood

I'm not sure where to begin with this blog post.  I guess we are kind of in a holding pattern for now.  Our latest news is that the home health agency contacted us to tell us that they would be setting up appointments for Jackson's RSV prevention shots in the next couple of days.  They were waiting for an approval form.  We don't know if that means that they have gotten verbal approval and are just waiting for paper work, or if this approval form will be the final say so.  We are hopeful!

Jackson is precious!  He is asleep in the swing right now.  He has grown and changed so much in just this short amount of time.  He really loves to be held, and I am learning to sleep sitting up in the chair with him in my arms.  My mom was right...you really will do absolutely anything to get a baby to sleep!  This book that I read before Jackson arrived talked about placing the baby down for a nap while he is still awake so that he doesn't get used to props like the swing or being rocked etc......what a joke!  Who could do that?  He has had some tummy trouble though, and this has been hard on him and me.  I knew babies cried.....I didn't know that babies cried non stop for what seems like all day and all night.  You can hear the gas in his  little tummy and I just know that he is hurting.  We are changing his formula at the next feeding to something that is supposed to be a little easier on his stomach.  I am hopeful for his sake and selfishly mine!     I don't think I have adjusted to motherhood as easily or quickly as other women might have.  I am still adjusting.  I guess it could have a lot to do with all that we have been through....rough delivery, pronouncement of heart defect, 5 days in the hospital, nursing not going well and giving that up, my anxiety attack in the hospital, three doctor's visits in his first two weeks of his little life, having to learn the signs of heart failure, the leaky diapers, worrying over insurance, having to send my poor mother home because she started getting the sniffles and we can't take  any chances.....the list of problems, challenges, worries....is literally endless.  There have been days when I have seriously experienced the baby blues.  I went to Wal-mart to get something and felt like I wasn't even really there.  How could there be Christmas trees up?  It feels like when we into the hospital a hole in real time opened.  My time is slow.... just making it from feeding to feeding, and outside our door the world is rapidly chugging along without me in it.  I know there are many other moms out there who will be able to relate to this.  I LOVE Jackson!  Like mama bear love!  I would do anything for him! I worry over every little thing concerning him!  I even googled pictures of healthy newborn poop to make sure that his was normal!  I sit and watch him sleep just listening to his quick little breaths. If he sleeps too long, I worry!  If he doesn't sleep enough, I worry!  I love rocking him and just holding him when he is all warm and snuggly.  I love it when I burp him on my shoulder and his little cheek rubs next to mine!  Those are the moments when you know that it is all worth it.

Since my mom had to leave I have had some wonderful and amazing friends who have stopped by to help me.  They've taught me different burping positions and all kinds of mommy tricks!  I am so thankful that God has provided me with a true family in my church!

Continually God is to be praised above all else as I go through these joys and trials of motherhood!  I know that he hears my prayers.  I know that he cares about them, and he will answer them according to His own will and in his own mysterious ways and time.   Continually I have confessed my selfish and prideful desires to control my circumstances for my own comfort.  God is shaping and molding me....it isn't always a pretty process, but with Christ in my heart, I am confident of the outcome.  I know what the end of the story will be.

Love to you all and thanks so much for the prayers and thoughts!

Update

We had our second visit with Dr. King today.  The VSD hole is still there, but Jackson has gained 7 oz. this week!  1 oz. per day!  We will see him again in two weeks so they can continue to monitor his growth and continue to check the VSD.  We hope to hear something from our insurance about those shots very soon, and we will definitely post when we know something definite!  Please continue to pray.

Our love to everyone..........

Pictures!!!!!!!!!

Jackson Farris Smith

My ugly cry picture!

Leaving the hospital!  

Meeting Penny! 

Finishing a sponge bath and diaper change!  We love the hair! 

He's a cutie!  

Life with a newborn is.......  I don't even know how to finish that sentence!  I keep having all of these funny thoughts about mother's around the world. What did mother's do without the swaddling blankets that velcrow?  What did mother's do without the peanut shell sling?  What did mother's do before the boppy, the wipe warmer, a washer and dryer!?!  And then I realize that there are many women that are out there doing this without any of those things either!  Not to mention the fact that I have had my wonderful mother-in-law here with us these last few days to help, and my husband is a tremendous, hands-on father.  This brings to mind all of the single mothers out there.....I guess that is just my way of connecting to mommy hood. I am very thankful!

We will see the cardiologist on Tuesday of next week.  So we really don't have much news to report on that.  We are just trying to learn as much about our little Jackson as we can so that we can easily point out signs of heart failure or problems.  It is scary and always in our minds, but we are enjoying the little guy!

More doctors.........

So day two of Jackson finally being home, and our second doctor's visit!  Jake's office visit was like going to see a friend or Uncle Jake!    This one was a bit different.  We went to see Dr. King, a pediatric cardiologist, in West Monroe.  We have been told by several people that he is the best!  People come from all over the country to visit this clinic!  They took us immediately!   All answers to prayers!  As Dr. King discussed the inner workings of our hearts....I honestly had no idea what he was talking about!  All I could think was.....wow this dude is smart!  He didn't talk over our heads, but the heart is complicated ya'll!  He explained that there were two types of VSD's, peri-membraneous and muscular.  This has to do with the location of the VSD (hole in the heart).  The Peri-membraneous holes have a 5 to 50 % chance of healing within the first year.  The muscular holes have an 85% chance of healing in the first year.  I may not have understood the heart, but I do understand percentages!  I knew which one I wanted if we had to have one!

Dr. King is like the baby whisperer!  His big hands slowly examined Jackson, taking all kinds of different pulses, moving him into several positions.  Jackson screams his head off when I change his onesie!  He didn't even wake up through the whole exam!  Jack compared him to the pope!  LOL He repeatedly told us that he was not God, and that only God could perform miracles.  After the exam the news....he thought it was a peri-membraneous hole.  My heart sank.........

He could not confirm this without another echocardiogram, so we went down the hall.  Jackson once again slept entirely through the testing.  Another answer to prayer.....the hole is the muscular kind!  The one that has an 85% chance of healing within the first year!  Another miracle....the tech measured the hole at 3 to 4 mm.  At the hospital they thought the hole was 5 to 7 mm.  We believe that God has already begun to heal Jackson's heart.  We are not out of the woods.....Jackson has to be kept away from crowds....and we have to watch him pretty closely. In fact we will go back to see Dr. King next week.

We need people to continue to pray that God will close this hole in his heart.  We also need prayers about our insurance.  There is a particular type of shot that Dr. King would like to give Jackson once per month from now until April.  He tells us that most insurance companies fight having to pay for this shot because it is preventative.  Each shot costs $1500.00.  I can't remember what it is called....but it basically prevents things like pneumonia and other diseases that can potentially hospitalize kids in the winter months.  Of course he says that are no guarantees.  We are praying that our insurance will cover these monthly shots and that God will ensure Jackson gets these shots.

That is all our news for now, and I'm actually going to try for a nap!

Love you all!

Jackson's Arrival!

Jack and I and now Jackson Farris, are really blessed to have so many people that love and care about us!  I know that many of you have been waiting and wondering and desperate for pictures!  I hope to answer lots of questions through this post.  Jackson's arrival was beautiful.  When they placed him in my arms for the first time I could not stop sobbing.  I look miserable in all the pictures because I am crying, but I was so happy that words escaped me and all I could do was cry and look at him.  Jack had a similar reaction! The delivery was rough physically and emotionally on both me , Jack, and Jackson and that is all I will comment on about that.  There were unexpected complications. As Jackson was born officially on Wednesday, November 2nd at 3:39 p.m. we were set to be discharged Friday morning.  At the last moment, a nurse practioner noticed what she thought was a heart murmur while listening to Jackson's hear beat.  I was discharged, but Jackson was not.   The hospital provided us with a courtesy room to remain in the hospital, as obviously I wasn't leaving without him!  We looked at this as several blessings.  Obviously the main one being that the problem was detected, but also because I was still physically recuperating from the difficult delivery.  On Saturday the pediatrician explained that Jackson did in fact have a heart defect known as VSD.  This amounts to him having one, possibly two holes in heart.  They are not completely sure.  The condition is actually fairly common...1 in 200 births, and in 85% of cases the holes close on their own.  (None of that info comforted me a bit! I can now say that he has the heart defect without bursting into tears, so I think the more I provide that info, the more I will come to believe it!)  Because failure to thrive can be one of the complications in the first two weeks of life for little guys with VSD, they wanted to keep Jackson in the hospital longer to monitor him closely.  The pediatrician saw good signs, but she was also concerned that he was not making enough wet diapers, a symptom of failure to thrive.   I was breast feeding (wow that is the second hardest thing I've ever done in my life!) and I could have continued, but for whatever reason he wasn't peeing while I was breast feeding, and I needed results! I felt as if I was not providing what a mother should for their child even though breast feeding was something I was very committed to.  So in an anxiety ridden state, we opted to make a switch to formula.  Presto!  We had wee wee diapers and poopy diaper action out the wazooo!  And my anxiety level came down at least one notch!  Jackson was released from the hospital after 5 excruciating days, Sunday around 5:30 p.m.  It was a grand homecoming!  Penny is in LOVE with him!  She got to lick his sweet baby feet!  Our dog loves baby feet!  LOL  So far, Jackson loves to be outside!  He loves the Christmas lights we have strung on our porch and all the outdoor noises.  He went for his first pediatrician's visit today, and we will forever be in debted to our wonderful friend and doctor Jake Wood.  He has helped to ease our stress and anxiety in so many ways!  We will have an appointment with Dr. King, a pediatric cardiologist tomorrow at 9:10 a.m. and we will learn more about Jackson's conditions and prognosis.  We are hopeful that he will be like the 85% of kids with this same defect whose holes close on their own without medical intervention within he first year.

This was not the arrival we expected....in some ways it was traumatic, but Jack and I have found two major blessings from the Lord in all of this.  First, we have a beautiful baby boy that we are absolutely, 100% in love with!  Second, I don't think our marriage has ever been stronger.  I have never been more in love with Jack, his spiritual leadership, and his leadership as the head of our household.  He was holding my hand through every feeding, loving me, encouraging me, comforting me, and honoring God.  So as hard as this is, we praise God for the hard things because we know that he works all of these things to our good.  His plans are to prosper us, not to harm us.  God created Jackson in my womb, and he made no mistakes.  This hole in his heart will only be filled and healed by God himself.

Many of our friends will want to know what they can do to help! We have a refrigerator full of food.  Our church family is bringing meals to us several times per week.  We have family and friends out the wazooo that we know we can count on for help!  BELIEVE US when we tell you that if we have a need we will call someone!  I have never been one to drown without asking for help!  Asking for help is not hard for either of us!  We would love to be able to text and call of our loved ones with regular updates but this is impossible as we just have too many people that we love and who love us in return!  We aren't playing favorites!  We hope that the people we are able to briefly speak with will share news as it comes.  We appreciate the texts and phone calls, but we simply can not respond to everyone.  So, this blog will be my main way of communicating to the masses of what is going on.  If you call or text, and we do not get back with you, please know that we love you dearly!  Our biggest need is prayer!  Prayer that God will heal Jackson's heart.  Prayer that Jack and I will adjust to parenthood.  Prayer my anxiety will subside and that rest will come for me.  I have had a very difficult time sleeping through this.  Prayer that our marital bond would continue to remain strong and grow stronger.  That our faith in God would continue to be strengthened, and most importantly praise God for the good that he is doing through this hard time for us.

We would love to have a big party and see everyone!  But we are trying to limit ourselves to only one visitor per day as we try to settle into a routine. It isn't that we don't want to see people, it is that we are overwhelmed.....by everything.  Gradually we know that things will settle down.

So that is where we are.  We haven't had a chance to download pictures of our little guy, but they will come!  Tonight I was able to get out my baby book.  All the family kept saying he looked like me!  I couldn't tell, until I looked at my baby pictures!  He has TONS of dark hair, big alert eyes, that I am praying will stay blue like his daddy's!  He has long legs that he likes to stretch out, and he loves to keep his little hands up by his face! I could look at him for hours and never get bored!  It is a mother's love.  I have never seen Jack more attentive to me.  Seriously....I can not say enough good things about the man that I married.

Love you all and good night!  Pictures and more to come soon......

Preparations.......

As October 30th draws near, Jack and I are both very BUSY!  We haven't said this out loud to each other, but I think in truth, we have this idea that once Jackson arrives we won't be allowed to leave the house!  LOL  In my head I keep thinking, he could come any moment now.... I really hope he will wait until my hair appointment!  I gotta have my hair colored for all those fabulous labor pictures right?

Jack has stopped all work travel, and he'll be home for a while after Jackson is born.  He has been traveling so much for work, that he hasn't been able to come to a doctor's visit since July.  Jack LOVES doctor's visits.  I am not kidding.  He and Dr. Harper get along so well that sometimes I wonder if they remember that I am in the room!   We have our weekly visits on Thursday afternoons.  This past Thursday was a particularly fun visit!  When I named my blog "Jack and Addie.....unedited!"  that is totally what I meant! If you know me well, you know that I can't and don't really hide much.  Jack says you can see exactly what I am thinking at all times!  I have never been one of those people who struggles with words.  I don't think I have ever walked away from a conversation and thought, man I wish I would have said this.  In fact it is quite the opposite.  I walk away and think, "Why did I have to say that?"  I give you all of that as a warning....if you don't really want to know me....don't continue reading!    So Jack and I are in the exam room, and I'm sitting on the edge of the exam table.  Jack is ridiculously hyper and spinning in circles on the doc's stool.  He has lots of nervous energy.  My back was hurting, and I needed him to help me lay down on the exam table.  He awkwardly helps me lay back on to the exam table, and I land with a thud!  We both start to laugh, and then the fun really begins.....with my legs in the air.....I let out a fabulously loud toot, and we both explode into laughter!  I warned you!  Now we are both laughing uncontrollably and this is made worse because we both know that doc could enter that door at any moment. We take a few deep breaths to regain our composure, and of course within seconds we are laughing hysterically again!  This goes on for at least ten minutes, and with those paper thin walls there is no telling what nurse Flo thought we were doing in there.  This story begs the question....are we really mature enough to be parents?  What can we say....in the Smith household....Farts are Funny!

This is my favorite pregnancy outfit!  However, after seeing myself in a picture I am rethinking the look!  Oh well, at this stage I think it is all about comfort! 

Expecting.....

I guess it would have been better for me to have started this when we first learned that we were going to be parents, but I wasn't sure about this whole blog thing.  I am still not sure about it!  It seems to be the kool mom thing to do, so I have decided to jump on the band wagon!  Jack and I learned that we were expecting on February 20th, 2011.  Honestly, we were completely taken by surprise...we've been married for six years and let's just say consistency is one my female virtues!   Dr. Harper had counseled us to be patient.   Jack and I did not want to be consumed by the idea of having a baby to the point that we became discontent with where God had us....and for the time being it looked like God wanted us to be minus the kiddos.  Honestly, Jack and I were having so much fun being married, this was not difficult for us!  Jack was on a fishing trip that weekend, when for the first time in 6 years Aunt Flo did not arrive on time for her visit. I dug around in the cabinet to find a test but no instructions.  I took my chances figuring there was really no way in the world it would ever come back positive.  When I saw the two lines appear, I suddenly could not remember whether this meant I was pregnant or not pregnant.  My mom was visiting at the time, so I enlisted her help.  Unfortunately, it had been 30 plus years since mom had taken a pregnancy test.  She was clueless too!  So we ran to the store and bought three more tests!  

Jack was on his way back....I couldn't wait to tell him!  I tried to be more creative in how to tell him, but in the end I'm not sure I could ever top his response.  I texted him a picture of the pregnancy test.  He texted back....."why are you sending me a picture of our wii remote?"  Of course we were both elated, and so began our journey into parenthood!  Pregnancy has been a mixture of feelings for me.  In the first 7 weeks, I was golden!  I even did the workout program, INSANITY, three days a week!  I was convinced that I would be one of those girls who went through pregnancy exercising, eating right, and would only have a fabulous little baby bump!  I would never get sick, and would glow radiantly for the next 9 months.  

At week 8 I moved onto a ship and didn't get off until week 15!  The nausea was awful, but the fatigue was worse!  I am a list maker, and about all I could get done during those weeks was make the list.  It was quite an adjustment for me and Jack.  I am a doer.  Nothing was getting done. Jack watched patiently as the laundry piled and the dishes didn't wash themselves.  After a "heart to heart" (code for fight) he started pitching in and then my sweet, wise, amazing husband did the most incredible thing...he hired a housekeeper!  Praise God!  Honestly after week 15 I felt loads better. However my dream of being a pregnant yoga goddess....did NOT happen!  I have exercised in my dreams...literally, but not in reality!  

We have been blessed with a very healthy pregnancy during these last 8 months.  I am in the final count down now, and we are just making our final preparations for Jackson Farris to arrive!  

I love this pic because Jack and I look scared to death.....sometimes we are...but aren't all new parents that way!  Blissfully scared to death!